MANCHESTER, NH -- If you ask her, Delirious Dreams Bakery Owner Nicole Tolouse has always been known as a bit of a "spitfire" in the world of baking. Her experiments and stunts over the years have earned her renown for her ingenuity as well as hatred for...well, a lot of things.
See the dead baby cupcakes given out for free in front of the abortion clinic.
Or Godzilla made of marzipan with the caption "Is that all you got, Japan?" underneath.
Or the coconut sorbet and chocolate representation of President Barack Obama being sodomized by a Klu Klux Klan member. The last piece earned her some time at the county jail for treason.
"I see my baking and cooking as art. Pure, delicious art. My baking has never been anything but. And, just like in art, you need to break some boundaries sometimes," Tolouse said while she frosted a cake recreation of the lost city of Atlantis.
She envisions her latest creation, though, to be her largest scene yet. Tolouse said that, over the past few months, she has collected angels. She then ground down their wings and will be using the flour for cupcakes to be sold at church bake sales.
Angelcakes, Tolouse said, are "the lightest cupcakes any in the world has ever tasted."
"The angel dust gives them that last...je ne sais quoi that make them the best cupcakes ever."
When questioned about how Tolouse got the angel wings, she remained tight-lipped, offering only "you know Ghostbusters? Kind of like that."
Tolouse expects clergy to object to the cupcakes.
"I'm sure they will. I hope they do. If the invisible beings that do good in my religion were being captured and turned into food, I'd be a little upset, too. Then again, if I believed in invisible beings that do good, I think I'd be a little mad at myself."
When confronted with this apparent contradiction in her own logic, Tolouse shrugged.
"What does it matter. If I say they're made from angels, they're made from angels. All that should matter is that you should give them a try before you complain."
Flashing an angelic smile herself, trestles of auburn hair cascading down to her shoulders, it is hard to believe this baker could be guilty of multiple counts of celestial murder.
"They're sinfully heavenly," Tolouse said. "Chew on that."
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Ornithologist works to help blind
HIGHTSTOWN, NJ -- Polly want a seeing-eye parrot?
The squawks and caws, "Polly want a cracker"s coming from Michael Sampson's Irving Terrace house aren't just the sign of an avid ornithologist, but the hustle and bustle of a new seeing-eye bird facility, the first of its kind in the nation.
"With parrots ability to speak, if you will, it was easy seemed all too obvious to me," Sampson said.
Sampson, whose mother is blind, began working on seeing-eye parrots as a PhD candidate.
"My whole life my mother had dogs, but dogs can't talk. Dogs can't tell you when there is a speeding car that is about to blow a light. I would love it if they could [talk], but they can't. This way, parrots can not only help lead a blind person--while attached to a nifty little leash/vest combo--but also vocally direct them."
The birds are attached by a harness to leashes that Sampson buys at Petsmart. The birds are trained to fly about six feet about people, out of the way of foot traffic that, Sampson said, "pesky" dogs take up room in.
"It allows for smoother pedestrian traffic. Simple as that," Sampson said, adding that his mother, in addition to being able to get around well, also gets compliments on her birds.
"Mother quite enjoys the attention."
Sampson started by attempting to train Amazon parrots, but quickly abandoned the green birds for African Grey Parrots, which according to Sampson and other experts, have a better ability for vocalizing words and are seen as more intelligent.
"I'd like to see Fido be able to tell you to stop, red light," Sampson said with a smug grin on his face.
In total, Sampson has already trained eight birds, which are distributed in pairs. The birds already know commands such as "stop," "go" and "wait you idiot, there's a car coming."
"The last command was tough, it took months for each bird to perfect, but I think it was worth it. Nothing snaps someone's attention to the 'now' better than being called an idiot," the bird lover said.
The first successful pair, Lucy and Desi, have only presented one problem.
"They tend to shit a lot. I haven't quite figured that one out yet."
Sampson said he had started working on plans for a parrot diaper, but no functioning prototype has yet to surface through testing.
"You try strapping a diaper to a bird that has a bite force of around 200psi."
The squawks and caws, "Polly want a cracker"s coming from Michael Sampson's Irving Terrace house aren't just the sign of an avid ornithologist, but the hustle and bustle of a new seeing-eye bird facility, the first of its kind in the nation.
"With parrots ability to speak, if you will, it was easy seemed all too obvious to me," Sampson said.
Sampson, whose mother is blind, began working on seeing-eye parrots as a PhD candidate.
"My whole life my mother had dogs, but dogs can't talk. Dogs can't tell you when there is a speeding car that is about to blow a light. I would love it if they could [talk], but they can't. This way, parrots can not only help lead a blind person--while attached to a nifty little leash/vest combo--but also vocally direct them."
The birds are attached by a harness to leashes that Sampson buys at Petsmart. The birds are trained to fly about six feet about people, out of the way of foot traffic that, Sampson said, "pesky" dogs take up room in.
"It allows for smoother pedestrian traffic. Simple as that," Sampson said, adding that his mother, in addition to being able to get around well, also gets compliments on her birds.
"Mother quite enjoys the attention."
Sampson started by attempting to train Amazon parrots, but quickly abandoned the green birds for African Grey Parrots, which according to Sampson and other experts, have a better ability for vocalizing words and are seen as more intelligent.
"I'd like to see Fido be able to tell you to stop, red light," Sampson said with a smug grin on his face.
In total, Sampson has already trained eight birds, which are distributed in pairs. The birds already know commands such as "stop," "go" and "wait you idiot, there's a car coming."
"The last command was tough, it took months for each bird to perfect, but I think it was worth it. Nothing snaps someone's attention to the 'now' better than being called an idiot," the bird lover said.
The first successful pair, Lucy and Desi, have only presented one problem.
"They tend to shit a lot. I haven't quite figured that one out yet."
Sampson said he had started working on plans for a parrot diaper, but no functioning prototype has yet to surface through testing.
"You try strapping a diaper to a bird that has a bite force of around 200psi."
Monday, July 18, 2011
House arrested for murder
FRANKLIN, NC--Macon County Sheriff Lyle Owens announced today that the Dylan family, reported missing last week after no one showed up for church or their jobs, have been found murdered in their Franklin home.
Owens would not give details pertaining to how the Dylan family--Alex, 45, Margaret, 43, and their son Alex Jr, 18--were killed but the house, 1343 Shadowhorse Lane, has been arrested and charged with the murders.
"There were no clues pointing to any possible suspects," Owens said while he standing in the yard watching chains being wrapped around the house's front porch columns. "No one knows anything, arresting the house was the only logical answer."
All neighbors were questioned, but the only thing that could be determined, Owens said, was that the Dylan family had no known enemies.
"It had to be the house. I mean who could be so soulless as to do something this horrific?" neighbor Maxine Alda said. Her husband agreed.
"This is absolutely outrageous, no human could ever be possible of ever doing like this. Only something soulless, like their house, could."
Sitting on a half-acre of land, the three-bedroom, pale green house had shutters that were "delightful" according to neighbors, and views of the Great Smoky Mountains that were "to die for."
The house will be arraigned at the Macon County Courthouse in Franklin next week.
Owens would not give details pertaining to how the Dylan family--Alex, 45, Margaret, 43, and their son Alex Jr, 18--were killed but the house, 1343 Shadowhorse Lane, has been arrested and charged with the murders.
"There were no clues pointing to any possible suspects," Owens said while he standing in the yard watching chains being wrapped around the house's front porch columns. "No one knows anything, arresting the house was the only logical answer."
All neighbors were questioned, but the only thing that could be determined, Owens said, was that the Dylan family had no known enemies.
"It had to be the house. I mean who could be so soulless as to do something this horrific?" neighbor Maxine Alda said. Her husband agreed.
"This is absolutely outrageous, no human could ever be possible of ever doing like this. Only something soulless, like their house, could."
Sitting on a half-acre of land, the three-bedroom, pale green house had shutters that were "delightful" according to neighbors, and views of the Great Smoky Mountains that were "to die for."
The house will be arraigned at the Macon County Courthouse in Franklin next week.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Parks cleanup plan nixed
BLOOMFIELD, NJ – A two-year project to clean up township parks was quietly shut down last week.
“Who cares? I mean really. They’re parks. Who uses our town’s parks anyway? Drug dealers? Kids going at night to make out? It should be dirty for them,” Mayor Tom Clement said from his home. “I’ve got a yard and it’s hard enough to take care of that. If people want space for their kids to play, they need to get yards.”
The cleanup plan began with former Mayor Sally Hutchins, who, coming from apartments her entire life, felt the township’s parks needed a facelift. When Clement took over, opponents said he ignored the project, relegating it to low-level paper pushers.
While Hutchins had hoped to revitalize the green areas by replacing plants and trees and cracking down on after-hours occurrences such as drug deals, Clement’s only efforts to continue the project took the form of a few Bloomfield Department of Public Works employees with large brooms cleaning the paths in Brookside Park.
“No one really wanted to do anything, and I didn’t want to push them,” Clement said, adding that township employees liked him and he wanted to keep it that way.
Fran Tucker, who was credited by Hutchins with developing the idea was furious with the decision to not do anything.
“This isn’t right. It’s wrong, so wrong,” she said, standing next to a two-foot pile of discarded refuse in Watsessing Park. When she tapped it with her foot for emphasis, a rat scurried out, heading towards the Parkway.
“How can anyone let someone else live like this? How can anyone let children play here?” she said.
When asked these questions Clement merely shrugged.
“As I said, if people want a place for their kids to play, they need to buy homes in Bloomfield that have yards. It doesn’t matter if there aren’t any available. These people who complain need to make it happen themselves. I don’t see why I need to do anything this wasn’t my idea,” Clement said.
“Who cares? I mean really. They’re parks. Who uses our town’s parks anyway? Drug dealers? Kids going at night to make out? It should be dirty for them,” Mayor Tom Clement said from his home. “I’ve got a yard and it’s hard enough to take care of that. If people want space for their kids to play, they need to get yards.”
The cleanup plan began with former Mayor Sally Hutchins, who, coming from apartments her entire life, felt the township’s parks needed a facelift. When Clement took over, opponents said he ignored the project, relegating it to low-level paper pushers.
While Hutchins had hoped to revitalize the green areas by replacing plants and trees and cracking down on after-hours occurrences such as drug deals, Clement’s only efforts to continue the project took the form of a few Bloomfield Department of Public Works employees with large brooms cleaning the paths in Brookside Park.
“No one really wanted to do anything, and I didn’t want to push them,” Clement said, adding that township employees liked him and he wanted to keep it that way.
Fran Tucker, who was credited by Hutchins with developing the idea was furious with the decision to not do anything.
“This isn’t right. It’s wrong, so wrong,” she said, standing next to a two-foot pile of discarded refuse in Watsessing Park. When she tapped it with her foot for emphasis, a rat scurried out, heading towards the Parkway.
“How can anyone let someone else live like this? How can anyone let children play here?” she said.
When asked these questions Clement merely shrugged.
“As I said, if people want a place for their kids to play, they need to buy homes in Bloomfield that have yards. It doesn’t matter if there aren’t any available. These people who complain need to make it happen themselves. I don’t see why I need to do anything this wasn’t my idea,” Clement said.
Moo-velous news for cows
EDINBURG, VA – It was a very moo-ving Township Council meeting in Edinburg last night.
After recently passing a resolution claiming August 1 Edinburg Cow Day, Edinburg officials took it a step further at a recent council meeting by passing a resolution that designated all of August to be Cow Month in the township.
“With so many of our bovine friends around, we felt the need to recognize all of their efforts,” Mayor Timothy Matthews said. “We use them on a daily basis, and we see them, so why not honor them in a way. India does it every day of the year.”
In celebration, there will be a number of special events both geared for and to educate about cows. On August 1, the festivities begin with a Cow Parade down Main Street. All residents are encouraged to bring their bovine friends, Matthews said.
Later in the day, the Shenandoah County Library will host a look-alike contest, awarding prizes to children for their cow costumes. Library Director Kirk Foust said that special prizes will be awarded for those who use real cow pieces as part of their costume.
“I studied art in college, and I’m a big fan of realism. I think it would be good for the local kids to try and come as close as possible to portraying the cows,” Foust said.
At the meeting, only Deputy Mayor Bill Hendricks objected to the resolution. Hendricks, who supported the original Cow Day, felt an entire month was too much.
“It’s one thing to honor them for a day, but after staring at cows even for a few hours, I just want to eat them,” he said at the meeting. “It’s why I can’t raise my own. I’d never make any money, I’d just make them all into hamburgers. They just all look so tasty.”
There were murmurs of agreement in the audience to this statement.
Cow Month will close with a cow spa day, free to all residents’ cattle. The animals will be treated to nail trimmings and gentle massages, provided by trained professionals.
“When we heard all that goes into treating Kobe beef in Japan, we thought why couldn’t our cows have that, too?” Matthews said.
The Cow Day parade will begin at 9a.m.
After recently passing a resolution claiming August 1 Edinburg Cow Day, Edinburg officials took it a step further at a recent council meeting by passing a resolution that designated all of August to be Cow Month in the township.
“With so many of our bovine friends around, we felt the need to recognize all of their efforts,” Mayor Timothy Matthews said. “We use them on a daily basis, and we see them, so why not honor them in a way. India does it every day of the year.”
In celebration, there will be a number of special events both geared for and to educate about cows. On August 1, the festivities begin with a Cow Parade down Main Street. All residents are encouraged to bring their bovine friends, Matthews said.
Later in the day, the Shenandoah County Library will host a look-alike contest, awarding prizes to children for their cow costumes. Library Director Kirk Foust said that special prizes will be awarded for those who use real cow pieces as part of their costume.
“I studied art in college, and I’m a big fan of realism. I think it would be good for the local kids to try and come as close as possible to portraying the cows,” Foust said.
At the meeting, only Deputy Mayor Bill Hendricks objected to the resolution. Hendricks, who supported the original Cow Day, felt an entire month was too much.
“It’s one thing to honor them for a day, but after staring at cows even for a few hours, I just want to eat them,” he said at the meeting. “It’s why I can’t raise my own. I’d never make any money, I’d just make them all into hamburgers. They just all look so tasty.”
There were murmurs of agreement in the audience to this statement.
Cow Month will close with a cow spa day, free to all residents’ cattle. The animals will be treated to nail trimmings and gentle massages, provided by trained professionals.
“When we heard all that goes into treating Kobe beef in Japan, we thought why couldn’t our cows have that, too?” Matthews said.
The Cow Day parade will begin at 9a.m.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Local woman sells life story
PROVIDENCE, RI--Melanie Sharkey thought she had done it all. She had climbed Mount Washington in New Hampshire. She had gone to New York City. She had even gone apple picking in the fall. So when Sharkey, 32, wrote a treatment for the script to her life story, entitled "Oh, What a Life," the Rite Aid clerk felt it was a sure bet to be bought by the biggest of the big Hollywood hot shots.
"With everything I've done, I couldn't imagine how it wouldn't be bought by Spielberg," Sharkey said through her agent, her cousin Sal Mineola. "I've done everything someone from Rhode Island could ever dream of and more. One time I even went to the Mall of America."
After weeks of rejection from the biggest names' agents, Sharkey set her sights on smaller venues.
"I needed my story out there. My story--the story of all 30-something females from Rhode Island--just had to be brought to a bigger audience. A lot more goes on here than you might think," Sharkey said.
Sharkey said she approached a number of local independent filmmakers, all of whom rejected her script.
"It hurt," Sharkey said. "I mean, I understand it may have come out like a horror movie or some really indy black and white thing as opposed to an epic love story with some special effects, but I would've been okay with that."
In the end, Sharkey was able to sell her movie, for a total of eight dollar and a VIP seat at the premiere, to the film production class at Providence's own Mount Pleasant High School.
"I'm excited to see what they do with [the script]," Sharkey said. "They have a lot to work with."
"With everything I've done, I couldn't imagine how it wouldn't be bought by Spielberg," Sharkey said through her agent, her cousin Sal Mineola. "I've done everything someone from Rhode Island could ever dream of and more. One time I even went to the Mall of America."
After weeks of rejection from the biggest names' agents, Sharkey set her sights on smaller venues.
"I needed my story out there. My story--the story of all 30-something females from Rhode Island--just had to be brought to a bigger audience. A lot more goes on here than you might think," Sharkey said.
Sharkey said she approached a number of local independent filmmakers, all of whom rejected her script.
"It hurt," Sharkey said. "I mean, I understand it may have come out like a horror movie or some really indy black and white thing as opposed to an epic love story with some special effects, but I would've been okay with that."
In the end, Sharkey was able to sell her movie, for a total of eight dollar and a VIP seat at the premiere, to the film production class at Providence's own Mount Pleasant High School.
"I'm excited to see what they do with [the script]," Sharkey said. "They have a lot to work with."
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
HS Team fights for cup
JERSEY CITY, NJ-- With their rough and tumble play style, it seemed obvious to the players of the St. Peters Preparatory School's ice hockey team, the Marauders, to challenge the newly-crowned Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins to a winner-take-all, street rules match for the Cup.
"We've had to highest number of penalties in the league the past three seasons," Junior defenseman Michael Myles said. "With the way [the Bruins] played to win the cup, we think we could keep up."
"Our goalie even had a fighting major," Myles added.
The team first issued the challenge via Facebook just four days after the cup returned to Boston.
"We wanted them to know we were serious and in today's day and age, that means communicating via Facebook," Head coach James Arroyo said.
Team captain Peter Sanderson first came up with the idea to issue the challenge, Arroyo said. Sanderson was unavailable for comment, as his mother said he was busy meditating to "get in the zone."
Before the match, which is set for August 6 at the Floyd Hall Ice Arena in Montclair, NJ, the players will share a pre-match meal of pasta and spaghetti sauce.
The Bruins are expected to decimate the Marauders.
"We've had to highest number of penalties in the league the past three seasons," Junior defenseman Michael Myles said. "With the way [the Bruins] played to win the cup, we think we could keep up."
"Our goalie even had a fighting major," Myles added.
The team first issued the challenge via Facebook just four days after the cup returned to Boston.
"We wanted them to know we were serious and in today's day and age, that means communicating via Facebook," Head coach James Arroyo said.
Team captain Peter Sanderson first came up with the idea to issue the challenge, Arroyo said. Sanderson was unavailable for comment, as his mother said he was busy meditating to "get in the zone."
Before the match, which is set for August 6 at the Floyd Hall Ice Arena in Montclair, NJ, the players will share a pre-match meal of pasta and spaghetti sauce.
The Bruins are expected to decimate the Marauders.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Mosquito populations low, commish urges stagnant water
TRENTON, NJ--It's about to get a big more buggy out in New Jersey.
In a press release issued by the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection's Mosquito Commission, Mosquito Commission chairman Steve Hartlebrand wrote that, because of declining mosquito populations statewide due to residents actually paying attention to the warnings his commission sends out yearly,the mosquito population in NJ would be at a record low in 2011.
"This is unacceptable," Hartlebrand said from his office in Trenton. "I am the mosquito commissioner. My entire jobs revolves around mosquitoes. If there are no mosquitoes, then I don't have a job. I just can't risk that."
In the release, Hartlebrand urged residents to leave any stagnant bodies of water alone, for fear of disturbing the insects. With any luck, he wrote, the population would be back to swarming potential by mid-August.
When questioned why he would put people in danger of diseases such as the West Nile Virus, or just really annoying bug bites, Hartlebrand shrugged.
"I have the easiest job in the entire NJDEP. I only have to work, like, three days a year. If we destroy all of the mosquitoes, then I would work zero days per year. What a waste of tax dollars that would be."
A request by the FNB for Mosquito Commission financial records was denied, but an inside source, who requested anonymity, said that Hartlebrand uses the remaining 362 days per year to travel to exotic locales for "research," paid for by tax dollars.
"There are mosquitoes down there," the source said, mimicking Hartlebrand's ghravelly voice. "I need to see them, just in case we ever get an infestation of Rio De Janiero mosquitoes. We'd know how to handle them then."
In a press release issued by the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection's Mosquito Commission, Mosquito Commission chairman Steve Hartlebrand wrote that, because of declining mosquito populations statewide due to residents actually paying attention to the warnings his commission sends out yearly,the mosquito population in NJ would be at a record low in 2011.
"This is unacceptable," Hartlebrand said from his office in Trenton. "I am the mosquito commissioner. My entire jobs revolves around mosquitoes. If there are no mosquitoes, then I don't have a job. I just can't risk that."
In the release, Hartlebrand urged residents to leave any stagnant bodies of water alone, for fear of disturbing the insects. With any luck, he wrote, the population would be back to swarming potential by mid-August.
When questioned why he would put people in danger of diseases such as the West Nile Virus, or just really annoying bug bites, Hartlebrand shrugged.
"I have the easiest job in the entire NJDEP. I only have to work, like, three days a year. If we destroy all of the mosquitoes, then I would work zero days per year. What a waste of tax dollars that would be."
A request by the FNB for Mosquito Commission financial records was denied, but an inside source, who requested anonymity, said that Hartlebrand uses the remaining 362 days per year to travel to exotic locales for "research," paid for by tax dollars.
"There are mosquitoes down there," the source said, mimicking Hartlebrand's ghravelly voice. "I need to see them, just in case we ever get an infestation of Rio De Janiero mosquitoes. We'd know how to handle them then."
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Seminar aims to help, not hurt
GREEN LEVEL, NC--The local fire department has adopted an alternative – and controversial - method to educate citizens on fireworks safety prior to this Fourth of July. In the past, officials have reminded adults and children of former accidents involving fireworks to convey their message. This year, they’re not depending on hindsight.
“Instead of telling kids how dangerous these things can be, we’re going to show them,” said Chief Craig Wilson. The fire department has arranged multiple safety seminars during which children will be handed lit fireworks to demonstrate different safety issues.
Some seminar participants will be handed fireworks that will explode prematurely in the hand, said Wilson. Other fireworks will shoot sparks, lighting nearby clothing and hair on fire. “It’ll grow back,” said Wilson of the eyebrows some participants will lose. “Kids are resilient.”
Wilson said he’s been fielding several phone calls and emails from parents who are concerned their children will be placed in danger during the seminars. However, he maintains a strict protocol will be followed throughout the seminars, and emergency medical professionals will be on site.
To further ensure the seminars’ safety, Wilson said each demonstration has been practiced multiple times on a “willing member of our department,” and with apparent success. Tim Flaghart, a volunteer firefighter at the Green Level Fire Department, has been on the receiving end of 12 practiced fireworks malfunctions, and still has all of his fingers.
“It’s definitely fun to be playing with fireworks at work,” said Flaghart. “Though I’m missing a patch of hair near my left ear.” Flaghart also suffered second-degree burns on his left ear during last week’s spark-shooting demonstration practice, but said he’s more concerned about his hair.
“It’s what gets all the ladies,” Flaghart said, winking out of his remaining good eye.
Fireworks safety seminars will be held Friday, July 1 through Wednesday July 3 at 7 p.m. each evening at Station 1. The seminars are open to all citizens of Green Level, and are encouraged to wear loose-fitting clothing to the event.
“Instead of telling kids how dangerous these things can be, we’re going to show them,” said Chief Craig Wilson. The fire department has arranged multiple safety seminars during which children will be handed lit fireworks to demonstrate different safety issues.
Some seminar participants will be handed fireworks that will explode prematurely in the hand, said Wilson. Other fireworks will shoot sparks, lighting nearby clothing and hair on fire. “It’ll grow back,” said Wilson of the eyebrows some participants will lose. “Kids are resilient.”
Wilson said he’s been fielding several phone calls and emails from parents who are concerned their children will be placed in danger during the seminars. However, he maintains a strict protocol will be followed throughout the seminars, and emergency medical professionals will be on site.
To further ensure the seminars’ safety, Wilson said each demonstration has been practiced multiple times on a “willing member of our department,” and with apparent success. Tim Flaghart, a volunteer firefighter at the Green Level Fire Department, has been on the receiving end of 12 practiced fireworks malfunctions, and still has all of his fingers.
“It’s definitely fun to be playing with fireworks at work,” said Flaghart. “Though I’m missing a patch of hair near my left ear.” Flaghart also suffered second-degree burns on his left ear during last week’s spark-shooting demonstration practice, but said he’s more concerned about his hair.
“It’s what gets all the ladies,” Flaghart said, winking out of his remaining good eye.
Fireworks safety seminars will be held Friday, July 1 through Wednesday July 3 at 7 p.m. each evening at Station 1. The seminars are open to all citizens of Green Level, and are encouraged to wear loose-fitting clothing to the event.
Township dissolves, tribes formed
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ--After a record-setting 16th Township Council meeting where nothing of interest happened at all, the mayor and council decided recently to
dissolve their township status, opting instead to form tribes in the
different sections of town.
“We all agreed that, since nothing ever happens in this town, we
needed to spice life in South Brunswick up a bit,” Mayor Walter
Snap said amidst the hooting and hollering of the councilmen.
The move to form tribes will help the area on a number of levels,
officials said.
“For thousands of years, tribal warfare was the only form of
entertainment for people across the world and they got along just
fine,” Councilman Chris Fitzmurray said. Fitzmurray had just completed
painting his bald head in a variety of colors of war paint.
“You have to remember, too, how thin those tribesman were. They were
rails, in the best shape of their life from running to and fro like
they did,” Deputy Mayor Michael Matheson added. “It’s a
fit-nu-tainment program.”
The Township, which was incorporated in 1798, moved to form a total of
five tribes, representing the Dayton, Deans, Kendall Park, Kingston
and Monmouth Junction sections.
The Heathcote of the former township section was subsumed by Kendall
Park, officials said, because no one cares about Heathcote, anyway.
“They would’ve been taken over in a week if we hadn’t stepped in,”
Snap said.
With the abolishment of the local government, township employees were
offered chances to compete for tribal leadership positions in the
brand new Circle of Death, which is housed in what used to be the
South Brunswick Public Library.
Former township manager Adam Bentley, who opposed the move to fight
for a job, explained.
“With only a few positions open in each tribe and over 300 municipal
employees, competition will be tough. Candidates will be pitted
against each other in a variety of fights to the death. One person may
need to utilize spears while another match may focus more on who can
light their opponent on fire quicker.”
The Circle of Death was highly opposed by municipal employees, but
welcomed by the mayor and council who, under the new system,
automatically hold positions of power in various tribes.
“The way I see it, it’s all about accountability,” councilman Paul
Ericcson said, sharpening his spear and looking furtively out the
council chambers’ windows for a possible sneak attack by angry
tribesmen.
“If someone wants to help run a tribe, they need to be fit,
intelligent and ready. What better way to judge these qualities than
by a fight to the death?”
The council tried to impress upon the residents of the town one
further benefit to the new system before the residents began lighting
fires with intent to burn down town hall.
“Everyone has complained about taxes in these tough economic times,”
councilman Christopher Balka said over the din of the approaching mob.
“Now, no one has to pay any taxes, how is that not a good thing?”
Councilman Balka was summarily drawn and quartered, the first
casualty of this new tribal system.
dissolve their township status, opting instead to form tribes in the
different sections of town.
“We all agreed that, since nothing ever happens in this town, we
needed to spice life in South Brunswick up a bit,” Mayor Walter
Snap said amidst the hooting and hollering of the councilmen.
The move to form tribes will help the area on a number of levels,
officials said.
“For thousands of years, tribal warfare was the only form of
entertainment for people across the world and they got along just
fine,” Councilman Chris Fitzmurray said. Fitzmurray had just completed
painting his bald head in a variety of colors of war paint.
“You have to remember, too, how thin those tribesman were. They were
rails, in the best shape of their life from running to and fro like
they did,” Deputy Mayor Michael Matheson added. “It’s a
fit-nu-tainment program.”
The Township, which was incorporated in 1798, moved to form a total of
five tribes, representing the Dayton, Deans, Kendall Park, Kingston
and Monmouth Junction sections.
The Heathcote of the former township section was subsumed by Kendall
Park, officials said, because no one cares about Heathcote, anyway.
“They would’ve been taken over in a week if we hadn’t stepped in,”
Snap said.
With the abolishment of the local government, township employees were
offered chances to compete for tribal leadership positions in the
brand new Circle of Death, which is housed in what used to be the
South Brunswick Public Library.
Former township manager Adam Bentley, who opposed the move to fight
for a job, explained.
“With only a few positions open in each tribe and over 300 municipal
employees, competition will be tough. Candidates will be pitted
against each other in a variety of fights to the death. One person may
need to utilize spears while another match may focus more on who can
light their opponent on fire quicker.”
The Circle of Death was highly opposed by municipal employees, but
welcomed by the mayor and council who, under the new system,
automatically hold positions of power in various tribes.
“The way I see it, it’s all about accountability,” councilman Paul
Ericcson said, sharpening his spear and looking furtively out the
council chambers’ windows for a possible sneak attack by angry
tribesmen.
“If someone wants to help run a tribe, they need to be fit,
intelligent and ready. What better way to judge these qualities than
by a fight to the death?”
The council tried to impress upon the residents of the town one
further benefit to the new system before the residents began lighting
fires with intent to burn down town hall.
“Everyone has complained about taxes in these tough economic times,”
councilman Christopher Balka said over the din of the approaching mob.
“Now, no one has to pay any taxes, how is that not a good thing?”
Councilman Balka was summarily drawn and quartered, the first
casualty of this new tribal system.
Bombs away
SAYREVILLE, NJ--In what Sayreville Board of Education officials called “the smartest
move since incorporating physical education into the curriculum,”
Sayreville War memorial High School announced yesterday that, starting
in September 2011, the mascot will no longer be the Bomber, but rather
a three-eyed fish.
The fish will be nicknamed Leady, after the tons of contamination
leaching out of the ground on the former site of the National Lead
Plant off Chevalier Avenue.
“A Bomber is just too violent, it isn’t what we in Sayreville want to
be known for,” BOE President Margaret Peters said after the vote. “With
the three-eyed fish, we’re staying closer to our roots, to what
Sayreville really is.”
The official Leady logo, designed by SWMHS junior Manny Felciano, was
chosen over Helmut the Moose and Glory, the blazing machine gun.
“The moose, well that just didn’t make sense,” BOE Vice President
Alexander Marzullo said. “And Glory? While I liked the idea, the choice
of a new yellow and black color scheme would complicate things. People
might think we really like Wiz Khalifa. Or Pittsburgh. Let’s be
honest, who likes Pittsburgh?”
Leady’s colors, and now Sayreville’s colors, will be neon green and
blue, according to officials.
For his part, Feliciano said the idea came to him right away.
“It was simple, really. I live over by the wasteland by the Parkway
and, as a kid I used to play there. We’d go fishing in the Raritan and
more often then not my brother and I would catch a fish or two with
three eyes, or an extra fin,” he said. “[Leady] seemed like the
perfect example of what Sayreville was to me.”
The unanimous decision came with very little debate.
BOE member Carl Bowker was the only person to express concern over the
image, but eventually relented anyway.
“Don’t you think people would get the wrong idea about Sayreville
because of this? Sure, bombs are signs of war and evil, but do we
really want the rest of the state to think we’re all radioactive?”
Business Adminsitrator Nancy D’Antonia shushed Bowker with a wave of her
third hand, saying that didn’t matter, war was worse.
move since incorporating physical education into the curriculum,”
Sayreville War memorial High School announced yesterday that, starting
in September 2011, the mascot will no longer be the Bomber, but rather
a three-eyed fish.
The fish will be nicknamed Leady, after the tons of contamination
leaching out of the ground on the former site of the National Lead
Plant off Chevalier Avenue.
“A Bomber is just too violent, it isn’t what we in Sayreville want to
be known for,” BOE President Margaret Peters said after the vote. “With
the three-eyed fish, we’re staying closer to our roots, to what
Sayreville really is.”
The official Leady logo, designed by SWMHS junior Manny Felciano, was
chosen over Helmut the Moose and Glory, the blazing machine gun.
“The moose, well that just didn’t make sense,” BOE Vice President
Alexander Marzullo said. “And Glory? While I liked the idea, the choice
of a new yellow and black color scheme would complicate things. People
might think we really like Wiz Khalifa. Or Pittsburgh. Let’s be
honest, who likes Pittsburgh?”
Leady’s colors, and now Sayreville’s colors, will be neon green and
blue, according to officials.
For his part, Feliciano said the idea came to him right away.
“It was simple, really. I live over by the wasteland by the Parkway
and, as a kid I used to play there. We’d go fishing in the Raritan and
more often then not my brother and I would catch a fish or two with
three eyes, or an extra fin,” he said. “[Leady] seemed like the
perfect example of what Sayreville was to me.”
The unanimous decision came with very little debate.
BOE member Carl Bowker was the only person to express concern over the
image, but eventually relented anyway.
“Don’t you think people would get the wrong idea about Sayreville
because of this? Sure, bombs are signs of war and evil, but do we
really want the rest of the state to think we’re all radioactive?”
Business Adminsitrator Nancy D’Antonia shushed Bowker with a wave of her
third hand, saying that didn’t matter, war was worse.
Welcome!
BLOOMFIELD, NJ-- Hello and welcome to the Fake News Bureau (FNB), your source for untrue news around the world (but mostly on the Eastern Seaboard for now). The news, on a daily basis is not funny. What happens most of the time, that is eventually made into news by reporters, is actually funny. People say things that are edited out. They mumble and use slurs. They scratch themselves. None of this tends to make it into a hard news article, and for good reason. Here at the FNB, though, we do not present hard news. Ours is limp and lukewarm. We want you to smile and enjoy yourself. We want you to, for at least a few minutes, escape from the real news--the distressing or boring stuff--that permeates local newspapers and radio and television broadcasts.
Each and every bit of news on this site is fake. Completely and utterly fake. We would hope that would be obvious by the name of our illustrious organization, but we'll remind you again. Everything here is fake. For a further reminder that our news is indeed fake and by no means meant to pull anyone's name, if it is indeed a real person, through the mud, please visit our disclaimer. If you don't want to, we'll sum up. Our news is fake. Sometimes we use real names, yes, but that is purely to make the story even funnier to someone from that area. Everything on the website is fake. Except for this. We're serious about this. We're happy you're here.
And once again, all together now, our news is fake.
Enjoy.
Each and every bit of news on this site is fake. Completely and utterly fake. We would hope that would be obvious by the name of our illustrious organization, but we'll remind you again. Everything here is fake. For a further reminder that our news is indeed fake and by no means meant to pull anyone's name, if it is indeed a real person, through the mud, please visit our disclaimer. If you don't want to, we'll sum up. Our news is fake. Sometimes we use real names, yes, but that is purely to make the story even funnier to someone from that area. Everything on the website is fake. Except for this. We're serious about this. We're happy you're here.
And once again, all together now, our news is fake.
Enjoy.
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