TRENTON, NJ--It's about to get a big more buggy out in New Jersey.
In a press release issued by the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection's Mosquito Commission, Mosquito Commission chairman Steve Hartlebrand wrote that, because of declining mosquito populations statewide due to residents actually paying attention to the warnings his commission sends out yearly,the mosquito population in NJ would be at a record low in 2011.
"This is unacceptable," Hartlebrand said from his office in Trenton. "I am the mosquito commissioner. My entire jobs revolves around mosquitoes. If there are no mosquitoes, then I don't have a job. I just can't risk that."
In the release, Hartlebrand urged residents to leave any stagnant bodies of water alone, for fear of disturbing the insects. With any luck, he wrote, the population would be back to swarming potential by mid-August.
When questioned why he would put people in danger of diseases such as the West Nile Virus, or just really annoying bug bites, Hartlebrand shrugged.
"I have the easiest job in the entire NJDEP. I only have to work, like, three days a year. If we destroy all of the mosquitoes, then I would work zero days per year. What a waste of tax dollars that would be."
A request by the FNB for Mosquito Commission financial records was denied, but an inside source, who requested anonymity, said that Hartlebrand uses the remaining 362 days per year to travel to exotic locales for "research," paid for by tax dollars.
"There are mosquitoes down there," the source said, mimicking Hartlebrand's ghravelly voice. "I need to see them, just in case we ever get an infestation of Rio De Janiero mosquitoes. We'd know how to handle them then."
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