Township dissolves, tribes formed

SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ--After a record-setting 16th Township Council meeting where nothing of interest happened at all, the mayor and council decided recently to
dissolve their township status, opting instead to form tribes in the
different sections of town.

“We all agreed that, since nothing ever happens in this town, we
needed to spice life in South Brunswick up a bit,” Mayor Walter
Snap said amidst the hooting and hollering of the councilmen.
The move to form tribes will help the area on a number of levels,
officials said.

“For thousands of years, tribal warfare was the only form of
entertainment for people across the world and they got along just
fine,” Councilman Chris Fitzmurray said. Fitzmurray had just completed
painting his bald head in a variety of colors of war paint.

“You have to remember, too, how thin those tribesman were. They were
rails, in the best shape of their life from running to and fro like
they did,” Deputy Mayor Michael Matheson added. “It’s a
fit-nu-tainment program.”

The Township, which was incorporated in 1798, moved to form a total of
five tribes, representing the Dayton, Deans, Kendall Park, Kingston
and Monmouth Junction sections.

The Heathcote of the former township section was subsumed by Kendall
Park, officials said, because no one cares about Heathcote, anyway.
“They would’ve been taken over in a week if we hadn’t stepped in,”
Snap said.

With the abolishment of the local government, township employees were
offered chances to compete for tribal leadership positions in the
brand new Circle of Death, which is housed in what used to be the
South Brunswick Public Library.

Former township manager Adam Bentley, who opposed the move to fight
for a job, explained.

“With only a few positions open in each tribe and over 300 municipal
employees, competition will be tough. Candidates will be pitted
against each other in a variety of fights to the death. One person may
need to utilize spears while another match may focus more on who can
light their opponent on fire quicker.”

The Circle of Death was highly opposed by municipal employees, but
welcomed by the mayor and council who, under the new system,
automatically hold positions of power in various tribes.

“The way I see it, it’s all about accountability,” councilman Paul
Ericcson said, sharpening his spear and looking furtively out the
council chambers’ windows for a possible sneak attack by angry
tribesmen.

“If someone wants to help run a tribe, they need to be fit,
intelligent and ready. What better way to judge these qualities than
by a fight to the death?”

The council tried to impress upon the residents of the town one
further benefit to the new system before the residents began lighting
fires with intent to burn down town hall.

“Everyone has complained about taxes in these tough economic times,”
councilman Christopher Balka said over the din of the approaching mob.
“Now, no one has to pay any taxes, how is that not a good thing?”

Councilman Balka was summarily drawn and quartered, the first
casualty of this new tribal system.