TRENTON, NJ--It's about to get a big more buggy out in New Jersey.
In a press release issued by the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection's Mosquito Commission, Mosquito Commission chairman Steve Hartlebrand wrote that, because of declining mosquito populations statewide due to residents actually paying attention to the warnings his commission sends out yearly,the mosquito population in NJ would be at a record low in 2011.
"This is unacceptable," Hartlebrand said from his office in Trenton. "I am the mosquito commissioner. My entire jobs revolves around mosquitoes. If there are no mosquitoes, then I don't have a job. I just can't risk that."
In the release, Hartlebrand urged residents to leave any stagnant bodies of water alone, for fear of disturbing the insects. With any luck, he wrote, the population would be back to swarming potential by mid-August.
When questioned why he would put people in danger of diseases such as the West Nile Virus, or just really annoying bug bites, Hartlebrand shrugged.
"I have the easiest job in the entire NJDEP. I only have to work, like, three days a year. If we destroy all of the mosquitoes, then I would work zero days per year. What a waste of tax dollars that would be."
A request by the FNB for Mosquito Commission financial records was denied, but an inside source, who requested anonymity, said that Hartlebrand uses the remaining 362 days per year to travel to exotic locales for "research," paid for by tax dollars.
"There are mosquitoes down there," the source said, mimicking Hartlebrand's ghravelly voice. "I need to see them, just in case we ever get an infestation of Rio De Janiero mosquitoes. We'd know how to handle them then."
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Seminar aims to help, not hurt
GREEN LEVEL, NC--The local fire department has adopted an alternative – and controversial - method to educate citizens on fireworks safety prior to this Fourth of July. In the past, officials have reminded adults and children of former accidents involving fireworks to convey their message. This year, they’re not depending on hindsight.
“Instead of telling kids how dangerous these things can be, we’re going to show them,” said Chief Craig Wilson. The fire department has arranged multiple safety seminars during which children will be handed lit fireworks to demonstrate different safety issues.
Some seminar participants will be handed fireworks that will explode prematurely in the hand, said Wilson. Other fireworks will shoot sparks, lighting nearby clothing and hair on fire. “It’ll grow back,” said Wilson of the eyebrows some participants will lose. “Kids are resilient.”
Wilson said he’s been fielding several phone calls and emails from parents who are concerned their children will be placed in danger during the seminars. However, he maintains a strict protocol will be followed throughout the seminars, and emergency medical professionals will be on site.
To further ensure the seminars’ safety, Wilson said each demonstration has been practiced multiple times on a “willing member of our department,” and with apparent success. Tim Flaghart, a volunteer firefighter at the Green Level Fire Department, has been on the receiving end of 12 practiced fireworks malfunctions, and still has all of his fingers.
“It’s definitely fun to be playing with fireworks at work,” said Flaghart. “Though I’m missing a patch of hair near my left ear.” Flaghart also suffered second-degree burns on his left ear during last week’s spark-shooting demonstration practice, but said he’s more concerned about his hair.
“It’s what gets all the ladies,” Flaghart said, winking out of his remaining good eye.
Fireworks safety seminars will be held Friday, July 1 through Wednesday July 3 at 7 p.m. each evening at Station 1. The seminars are open to all citizens of Green Level, and are encouraged to wear loose-fitting clothing to the event.
“Instead of telling kids how dangerous these things can be, we’re going to show them,” said Chief Craig Wilson. The fire department has arranged multiple safety seminars during which children will be handed lit fireworks to demonstrate different safety issues.
Some seminar participants will be handed fireworks that will explode prematurely in the hand, said Wilson. Other fireworks will shoot sparks, lighting nearby clothing and hair on fire. “It’ll grow back,” said Wilson of the eyebrows some participants will lose. “Kids are resilient.”
Wilson said he’s been fielding several phone calls and emails from parents who are concerned their children will be placed in danger during the seminars. However, he maintains a strict protocol will be followed throughout the seminars, and emergency medical professionals will be on site.
To further ensure the seminars’ safety, Wilson said each demonstration has been practiced multiple times on a “willing member of our department,” and with apparent success. Tim Flaghart, a volunteer firefighter at the Green Level Fire Department, has been on the receiving end of 12 practiced fireworks malfunctions, and still has all of his fingers.
“It’s definitely fun to be playing with fireworks at work,” said Flaghart. “Though I’m missing a patch of hair near my left ear.” Flaghart also suffered second-degree burns on his left ear during last week’s spark-shooting demonstration practice, but said he’s more concerned about his hair.
“It’s what gets all the ladies,” Flaghart said, winking out of his remaining good eye.
Fireworks safety seminars will be held Friday, July 1 through Wednesday July 3 at 7 p.m. each evening at Station 1. The seminars are open to all citizens of Green Level, and are encouraged to wear loose-fitting clothing to the event.
Township dissolves, tribes formed
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ--After a record-setting 16th Township Council meeting where nothing of interest happened at all, the mayor and council decided recently to
dissolve their township status, opting instead to form tribes in the
different sections of town.
“We all agreed that, since nothing ever happens in this town, we
needed to spice life in South Brunswick up a bit,” Mayor Walter
Snap said amidst the hooting and hollering of the councilmen.
The move to form tribes will help the area on a number of levels,
officials said.
“For thousands of years, tribal warfare was the only form of
entertainment for people across the world and they got along just
fine,” Councilman Chris Fitzmurray said. Fitzmurray had just completed
painting his bald head in a variety of colors of war paint.
“You have to remember, too, how thin those tribesman were. They were
rails, in the best shape of their life from running to and fro like
they did,” Deputy Mayor Michael Matheson added. “It’s a
fit-nu-tainment program.”
The Township, which was incorporated in 1798, moved to form a total of
five tribes, representing the Dayton, Deans, Kendall Park, Kingston
and Monmouth Junction sections.
The Heathcote of the former township section was subsumed by Kendall
Park, officials said, because no one cares about Heathcote, anyway.
“They would’ve been taken over in a week if we hadn’t stepped in,”
Snap said.
With the abolishment of the local government, township employees were
offered chances to compete for tribal leadership positions in the
brand new Circle of Death, which is housed in what used to be the
South Brunswick Public Library.
Former township manager Adam Bentley, who opposed the move to fight
for a job, explained.
“With only a few positions open in each tribe and over 300 municipal
employees, competition will be tough. Candidates will be pitted
against each other in a variety of fights to the death. One person may
need to utilize spears while another match may focus more on who can
light their opponent on fire quicker.”
The Circle of Death was highly opposed by municipal employees, but
welcomed by the mayor and council who, under the new system,
automatically hold positions of power in various tribes.
“The way I see it, it’s all about accountability,” councilman Paul
Ericcson said, sharpening his spear and looking furtively out the
council chambers’ windows for a possible sneak attack by angry
tribesmen.
“If someone wants to help run a tribe, they need to be fit,
intelligent and ready. What better way to judge these qualities than
by a fight to the death?”
The council tried to impress upon the residents of the town one
further benefit to the new system before the residents began lighting
fires with intent to burn down town hall.
“Everyone has complained about taxes in these tough economic times,”
councilman Christopher Balka said over the din of the approaching mob.
“Now, no one has to pay any taxes, how is that not a good thing?”
Councilman Balka was summarily drawn and quartered, the first
casualty of this new tribal system.
dissolve their township status, opting instead to form tribes in the
different sections of town.
“We all agreed that, since nothing ever happens in this town, we
needed to spice life in South Brunswick up a bit,” Mayor Walter
Snap said amidst the hooting and hollering of the councilmen.
The move to form tribes will help the area on a number of levels,
officials said.
“For thousands of years, tribal warfare was the only form of
entertainment for people across the world and they got along just
fine,” Councilman Chris Fitzmurray said. Fitzmurray had just completed
painting his bald head in a variety of colors of war paint.
“You have to remember, too, how thin those tribesman were. They were
rails, in the best shape of their life from running to and fro like
they did,” Deputy Mayor Michael Matheson added. “It’s a
fit-nu-tainment program.”
The Township, which was incorporated in 1798, moved to form a total of
five tribes, representing the Dayton, Deans, Kendall Park, Kingston
and Monmouth Junction sections.
The Heathcote of the former township section was subsumed by Kendall
Park, officials said, because no one cares about Heathcote, anyway.
“They would’ve been taken over in a week if we hadn’t stepped in,”
Snap said.
With the abolishment of the local government, township employees were
offered chances to compete for tribal leadership positions in the
brand new Circle of Death, which is housed in what used to be the
South Brunswick Public Library.
Former township manager Adam Bentley, who opposed the move to fight
for a job, explained.
“With only a few positions open in each tribe and over 300 municipal
employees, competition will be tough. Candidates will be pitted
against each other in a variety of fights to the death. One person may
need to utilize spears while another match may focus more on who can
light their opponent on fire quicker.”
The Circle of Death was highly opposed by municipal employees, but
welcomed by the mayor and council who, under the new system,
automatically hold positions of power in various tribes.
“The way I see it, it’s all about accountability,” councilman Paul
Ericcson said, sharpening his spear and looking furtively out the
council chambers’ windows for a possible sneak attack by angry
tribesmen.
“If someone wants to help run a tribe, they need to be fit,
intelligent and ready. What better way to judge these qualities than
by a fight to the death?”
The council tried to impress upon the residents of the town one
further benefit to the new system before the residents began lighting
fires with intent to burn down town hall.
“Everyone has complained about taxes in these tough economic times,”
councilman Christopher Balka said over the din of the approaching mob.
“Now, no one has to pay any taxes, how is that not a good thing?”
Councilman Balka was summarily drawn and quartered, the first
casualty of this new tribal system.
Bombs away
SAYREVILLE, NJ--In what Sayreville Board of Education officials called “the smartest
move since incorporating physical education into the curriculum,”
Sayreville War memorial High School announced yesterday that, starting
in September 2011, the mascot will no longer be the Bomber, but rather
a three-eyed fish.
The fish will be nicknamed Leady, after the tons of contamination
leaching out of the ground on the former site of the National Lead
Plant off Chevalier Avenue.
“A Bomber is just too violent, it isn’t what we in Sayreville want to
be known for,” BOE President Margaret Peters said after the vote. “With
the three-eyed fish, we’re staying closer to our roots, to what
Sayreville really is.”
The official Leady logo, designed by SWMHS junior Manny Felciano, was
chosen over Helmut the Moose and Glory, the blazing machine gun.
“The moose, well that just didn’t make sense,” BOE Vice President
Alexander Marzullo said. “And Glory? While I liked the idea, the choice
of a new yellow and black color scheme would complicate things. People
might think we really like Wiz Khalifa. Or Pittsburgh. Let’s be
honest, who likes Pittsburgh?”
Leady’s colors, and now Sayreville’s colors, will be neon green and
blue, according to officials.
For his part, Feliciano said the idea came to him right away.
“It was simple, really. I live over by the wasteland by the Parkway
and, as a kid I used to play there. We’d go fishing in the Raritan and
more often then not my brother and I would catch a fish or two with
three eyes, or an extra fin,” he said. “[Leady] seemed like the
perfect example of what Sayreville was to me.”
The unanimous decision came with very little debate.
BOE member Carl Bowker was the only person to express concern over the
image, but eventually relented anyway.
“Don’t you think people would get the wrong idea about Sayreville
because of this? Sure, bombs are signs of war and evil, but do we
really want the rest of the state to think we’re all radioactive?”
Business Adminsitrator Nancy D’Antonia shushed Bowker with a wave of her
third hand, saying that didn’t matter, war was worse.
move since incorporating physical education into the curriculum,”
Sayreville War memorial High School announced yesterday that, starting
in September 2011, the mascot will no longer be the Bomber, but rather
a three-eyed fish.
The fish will be nicknamed Leady, after the tons of contamination
leaching out of the ground on the former site of the National Lead
Plant off Chevalier Avenue.
“A Bomber is just too violent, it isn’t what we in Sayreville want to
be known for,” BOE President Margaret Peters said after the vote. “With
the three-eyed fish, we’re staying closer to our roots, to what
Sayreville really is.”
The official Leady logo, designed by SWMHS junior Manny Felciano, was
chosen over Helmut the Moose and Glory, the blazing machine gun.
“The moose, well that just didn’t make sense,” BOE Vice President
Alexander Marzullo said. “And Glory? While I liked the idea, the choice
of a new yellow and black color scheme would complicate things. People
might think we really like Wiz Khalifa. Or Pittsburgh. Let’s be
honest, who likes Pittsburgh?”
Leady’s colors, and now Sayreville’s colors, will be neon green and
blue, according to officials.
For his part, Feliciano said the idea came to him right away.
“It was simple, really. I live over by the wasteland by the Parkway
and, as a kid I used to play there. We’d go fishing in the Raritan and
more often then not my brother and I would catch a fish or two with
three eyes, or an extra fin,” he said. “[Leady] seemed like the
perfect example of what Sayreville was to me.”
The unanimous decision came with very little debate.
BOE member Carl Bowker was the only person to express concern over the
image, but eventually relented anyway.
“Don’t you think people would get the wrong idea about Sayreville
because of this? Sure, bombs are signs of war and evil, but do we
really want the rest of the state to think we’re all radioactive?”
Business Adminsitrator Nancy D’Antonia shushed Bowker with a wave of her
third hand, saying that didn’t matter, war was worse.
Welcome!
BLOOMFIELD, NJ-- Hello and welcome to the Fake News Bureau (FNB), your source for untrue news around the world (but mostly on the Eastern Seaboard for now). The news, on a daily basis is not funny. What happens most of the time, that is eventually made into news by reporters, is actually funny. People say things that are edited out. They mumble and use slurs. They scratch themselves. None of this tends to make it into a hard news article, and for good reason. Here at the FNB, though, we do not present hard news. Ours is limp and lukewarm. We want you to smile and enjoy yourself. We want you to, for at least a few minutes, escape from the real news--the distressing or boring stuff--that permeates local newspapers and radio and television broadcasts.
Each and every bit of news on this site is fake. Completely and utterly fake. We would hope that would be obvious by the name of our illustrious organization, but we'll remind you again. Everything here is fake. For a further reminder that our news is indeed fake and by no means meant to pull anyone's name, if it is indeed a real person, through the mud, please visit our disclaimer. If you don't want to, we'll sum up. Our news is fake. Sometimes we use real names, yes, but that is purely to make the story even funnier to someone from that area. Everything on the website is fake. Except for this. We're serious about this. We're happy you're here.
And once again, all together now, our news is fake.
Enjoy.
Each and every bit of news on this site is fake. Completely and utterly fake. We would hope that would be obvious by the name of our illustrious organization, but we'll remind you again. Everything here is fake. For a further reminder that our news is indeed fake and by no means meant to pull anyone's name, if it is indeed a real person, through the mud, please visit our disclaimer. If you don't want to, we'll sum up. Our news is fake. Sometimes we use real names, yes, but that is purely to make the story even funnier to someone from that area. Everything on the website is fake. Except for this. We're serious about this. We're happy you're here.
And once again, all together now, our news is fake.
Enjoy.
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